With the cold months upon us, I find myself spending a lot more time at home, where it is warm and comfortable. The days seem to go by much slower, and I find myself thinking about things a lot more now.
Why me? That is one thing that has been on my mind lately. Why me? Why was I chosen to be the one to go through all of these struggles. Is it that I hit the unlucky jackpot with genetics or is it because everyone knows that I am strong and can deal with the battle at hand.
Don't get me wrong, I am not wishing my illnesses on anyone else, I just want to know why me? I don't want anyone to take this as I am feeling sorry for myself either. I am one of those people in the world who has big plans. Plans to finish University, start my teaching career, get married, and start a family. Even though I have all of these dreams and goals in life, I have been thrown a curve-ball. A curve-ball which I intend to hit out of the park, but still I ask myself, why me? Why did I have to be thrown this curve-ball. Why does anyone have to be dealt these cards in life?
I miss all of the things that I could do before. Simple things like laughing, showering, and walking have become chores now. I find myself thinking about all of the dreams I have for my future and that is what is fueling my fire. I tell myself that "one day I will get there, and I will accomplish all of my goals." All while knowing there is a chance I will not. I do not want these thoughts of failure clouding my "road to new lungs marathon." Instead I tell myself to push these thoughts aside and only focus on the positives. I will breathe easy again. I will laugh like crazy again. I will belt out horrible tunes in my car again. I will run around again, free of tubes and coughing fits.
Even though I am remaining relatively stable, it does not make this journey any easier. My life is on hold. I am 23 years old and my life is on hold. I would love to be going out and doing everything that I once did before my lungs turned on me, but instead I find myself consciously thinking about every breath I take and hoping to be able to keep taking many more!
I know this is starting to sound depressing, but I would consider myself the furthest thing from depressed. All of these thoughts have been encouraging me to fight. To fight harder and longer than I ever have before. To keep going. To keep marching forward. I will not let my disease win. I will not let these 23 year old nasty lungs destroy me.
I know that I am strong and capable of fighting this. I have an amazing support system behind me in terms of my family and health care professionals. They are all on my side and will not let me give up either. Giving up would prove that I was dealt a hand in life that I cannot handle. I CAN handle this and I WILL beat it!
So when I get back to thinking "why me," I have to tell myself, "yes" maybe I did lose out on the genetic lottery, but I would not have been dealt this hand if I could and would not handle it. I am a fighter and I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!!!!
